Ara

The "I want you back" is back

2007-02-06T12:36:00.000-06:00

There are numerous things I wish I had back in my life. Numerous. Then there are unachievable things I simply (but painfully) place out of my mind. Then there are the things that I ignore and pray it never resurfaces ever again. Ever.

I went to the gym with M-player last night and a sighting halted my ab workout. In front of me was a guy I went to high school with. His adult version was very much like his high school self with the addition of 5+lbs around the stomach. 5+lbs around the stomach could describe many of us from the class of '98. I smiled politely and he waved but now I wonder, did he remember me or did he think I was hitting on him?

I few of my friends strongly believe that as soon as you don't want a man, or become happily involved with one man that men start coming out of the woodwork. It's an interesting dilemma. Actually, it's hilarious to think that the world could be that cosmic or rather that men could be that transparent.

It seems the same might apply to jobs too. This is particularly interesting.

I want to go home now. Can I go home?

2007-01-25T16:31:00.000-06:00

I had a half hour for lunch and I filled those thirty minutes sitting in my car. The sunshine was so intense I didn't require the heat. If I squinted the salt on the pavement disappeared making January seem soothing.

Here's what I know about occupying a vehicle during the lunch hour:

*Just because you're in the car by yourself doesn't mean you're alone.
*Napping might seem like a good idea but take the phone off silent when you set the alarm.
*Ignore the other folks who are eating in their cars.

Watermelon radish welcomes me to the world of high-end cuisine, spectator style

2007-01-08T15:51:00.000-06:00

I know I've been speechless for a while but...dang! Things are going well. In a "I can't get this goofy grin off my face," well. This is good.

The half empties

2006-10-23T16:31:00.000-05:00

After 5 hours of sleep I bounced out of bed with my Sunday night pep talk still ringing in my ears.

JayZ arm punch, wiggle-wiggle, brush teeth, wiggle-wiggle, apply mascara and done. 20 minute car ride, thug bounce, security greeting, smile-wink and elevator jive. The sound track of my morning reeked of Monday familiarity, but at least I heard the music.

Tracks I could have skipped over but rather decided to turn up volume:

3 hours at the hospital (scary)
running over a cone (whimsical)
prying the orange cone from under my vehicle while wearing a skirt (porno-esq)
overdraft fees (silence)

what's in your overhead compartment?

2006-08-03T19:04:00.000-05:00

To: San Francisco For: Business

2006-07-24T17:20:00.000-05:00

Gazing out of this window while sitting at an upscale restaurant off of the Pacific Hwy one thought kept recycling through my mind. Just smile.

Some folks don't know their left from right. They make "L's" with both hands and hold them up to see which hand faces the correct direction.

I wish some people were able to do that with "right" and "wrongs" so that before they open their mouths they could check their body language.

hehehehehe...I almost forgot my password

2006-07-17T18:45:00.000-05:00

and to that I say, fine

2006-05-24T17:53:00.000-05:00

I've misplaced the power cords to nearly all of my electronics. I haven't seen the cradle to my camera in a month. The usb cord for my ipod has gone walk about and my cell is on its last battery bar. I'm also missing part of the sewing machine which has placed a halt on my yoga bag project.

Fact: My belongings are confined to one room. How far could these things have gone?

Parachute men, Hooters and long distance phone calls

2006-05-03T21:33:00.000-05:00

This cold hit me fast and the cat demanding to sleep on my head at night isn't helping matters. I woke up at 1:30am needing cold medicine. Noting the time I decided on a half dosage. Come 7am I was in my usual grumpy, don't talk to me now state only...deeper into the mood.
The only thing that seemed to amuse me was my lame rhyme to my long distance phone buddy and even then I couldn't giggle at myself without starting to cough. Who the heck gets sick in May?

So, I blame the rest of my day on the lack of daytime cold medicine combined with nighttime cold medicine withdrawal. That, and it was jeans day at work..bring on the slacking.

1. I suggested Hooters for lunch. I spent a lot of time harping on the high school boyfriend about even thinking about going to Hooters, and now...I'm a grown heterosexual woman who occasionally dreams of their hot sauce while trying to ignore their attire.

2. I opened the toy drawer at the office. I keep it for when my colleagues show off their children. I think of it as a consolation prize. If they're lucky they'll miss the glazed over look and think the office isn't a bad place after all. Brainwash them early.

3. Watching three coworkers run up and down my aisle trying to loft a plastic parachute man is just about as fun as it sounds.

4. I went to the Oak Brook mall after work to exchange my cell phone. I forgot how beautiful the outdoor mall is during the spring. I stopped to smell a purple tulip (they don't smell by the way) when a kid came up from behind me and yelled bang..bang. Two foam disks shot me on my backside. I instinctively yelled out, ye haw. Thinking this was hilarious his younger brother rammed his toy helicopter blades into my shin.

5. It's Wednesday and I'm dreaming of Sunday night. Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!

Craziness that not even shoe shopping can cure

2006-05-01T16:33:00.000-05:00

CONVENTION
Yikes, I can't remember the last time I was all consumed with one thing. It's a horrible feeling, especially when that one thing is work. I'm learning that I'm not so much a work-a-holic as much as a control freak.

In high school I received a 3 month extension on an ebony pencil drawing. I loved working on that thing. I stayed late and came early. It wasn't as if it wasn't "done," it just wasn't DONE. The long and short of it was my art teacher placed it on display and some kid tore it. I still have it; the corner has been scotch taped from the back side.

When I was in college I dropped the whole be perfect act but it's an entire different story to shed the control freak mentality. That's why they call them control freaks, it's freaky.

2006-04-21T10:22:00.000-05:00

The difference between them

2006-04-20T13:50:00.000-05:00

Peppy sounding songs with sad lyrics: John Cougar's Hurt so good...as a kid I hadn't a clue what I was singing along to. How could it hurt, why would he ask for more and continue to call her baby through it all?

A day, a week, two weeks...it doesn't seem to matter.
"This is a marathon"

When I watched G run her marathon I wondered what had possessed these people to put themselves through such physical turmoil. Was it the accomplishment alone or was it all the sacrifices and self discipline they put into it just to participate?

Some runners need to feel their bodies moving in order to release themselves from their day. If they never run another race or cross an official finish line again they'd continue running for themselves.

What emotional marathons are worth running and is their any true choice in the matter?

Easter, grown-up style

2006-04-17T01:33:00.000-05:00

Well...almost.
Coffee: 2 creams, 3 sugars and 1 peep.
Quantity: 3 cups, sporadically throughout the day.
I have a bellyache now and it's 1:30 in the morning. When I close my eyes to sleep I see little yellow peeps dance like swan lake only willie wonka style which is sort of creepy.

Movies to keep and trips to remember

2006-04-15T19:44:00.000-05:00

I took a two hour nap this afternoon. It was beautiful outside and I was napping. I had a great dream that I was dying my hair pink, purple and white/blonde. Work would love that. I might as well put the nose ring back in while I'm at it.

Tomorrow...ahh, tomorrow. I think I'm going to start over with a fresh outlook. It's spring, I shouldn't allow myself to be stuck in a rut.

Reasons to sit very still

2006-04-09T16:42:00.000-05:00

I spent my entire week with my eyes low, feet steady and a "let's see if this works" mentality.
A mere week later I'm wondering if it's okay to raise my eyes and look directly.
I held out a week...
Distractions:
Cat sitting for the next two weeks
Do my taxes
Obtain a car loan
Work on bowling arm
Update resume
err...
Locate more distractions

5th wheel spin

2006-04-04T15:06:00.000-05:00

detectable

2006-03-22T18:27:00.000-06:00

Before leaving for vacations my parents would spend all evening cleaning the house. After relaxing all week they didn't want to return to a messy home. To me, there was something silly about it all. We'd we returned home and pretend there wasn't a layer of dust that had accumulated while we were gone.

Gina and I leave for Aruba tomorrow morning. I 'm halfway through packing, my room is a mess but I did manage to clean the cat box this morning.

I promised C I'd start decompressing now so that I could truly relax and enjoy my holiday. So, I found my way to the wolf road prairie after work. As my work heels penetrated the soft earth I thought about how just a couple of weeks every limb was covered in snow. I wanted to stay longer. Actually, I wanted to dig a hole out there to bury a few insecurities but for once I wasn't alone out in that field. There was a man collecting sticks in a plastic bag. As soon as he saw me he started towards my direction.

Who looked odder in that field? Me in my work dress, heels and talking on my cell or him and his plastic Jewel bag full of twigs? If I were observing I'd think it would be me but I was the one who nervously walked back to my car.

Milwaukee

2006-03-21T22:36:00.000-06:00

I want to raise awareness of streamlining by selling colorful rubber bracelets

2006-03-19T12:05:00.000-06:00

241 Bulk Messages greeted me today at my second email account.

I created the first yahoo account for serious messaging; job searching and to keep in touch with friends. I created the second account thinking that it could be a virtual dumping ground, if need be. Alas, most of the messages in there are garbage. I subscribed to a magazine I give them my garbage email and they send me garbage.

I set up this system two years ago thinking that it would organize how I gave and received information. In reality, it was yet another mixed message I sent into the universe.

I don't want junk mail, but if you have to...please send it here.

I'm talking about figuring out exactly what it is that I want and not being afraid to ask for it. I'm talking about not wasting my time by setting up miniature safe houses for just-in-case scenarios. I'm talking about dropping the ego.

No more junk

Ara meets the inventor of the Big Mac, rolls her ankle and nearly lands in the laps of two VP's

2006-03-14T22:17:00.000-06:00

Beat that-

I knew today was going to be humiliating in some cosmic way. How, did I know? It was like a bad accident waiting to happen, all day, in slow motion. I even had an epic deja vu moment.

I walked up to my admin's desk with a purpose and ended up chatting about jewelry design. Our newest admin chimed in but when she was done there was awkward silence. Which, I chose to fill with awkward conversation and I walked away thinking it felt all too familiar.

Honestly...was it deja vu or am I just becoming more awkward?

What was even more difficult was the afternoon meeting I endured while feeling like someone put night-quill in my tea. I yawned more than I should have and it caused a sea of yawns across the o/o board room.

The above means nothing...Happy Birthday Gina~ Welcome to 26. It will be great, promise!

A blurred line between carton, pulp and reality

2006-03-09T22:08:00.000-06:00

Bottom right corner states: Home Squeezed.

Who's home?!

This carton created about 30 minutes of early morning distraction at the office.

Pre-spring fever is here.

The day before Casmir Pulaski Day

2006-03-06T19:25:00.000-06:00

Man eating tree baby: Better hug them while they're still rooted

2006-02-26T23:14:00.000-06:00

Apparently I missed a classic this morning on the Sundance Channel. The film is called Little Otik, click above for the link. Looks interesting...

Tonight I heard Buckwheat Zydeco play to a room full of sober older white people, myself included. I couldn't help but think how much fun it would have been if I had a long island iced tea and room to dance. Happy Mardi Gras!

Walking the pot belly pig

2006-02-25T15:26:00.000-06:00

Last night was the most exhausting Friday nights I've experienced in weeks, scratch that...months.

I was a Senior High Lock-in Chaperone.

Lock-In Schedule

9:00-9:30 pm
Welcome/Mixer Games (What really happened: The boys whipped ping pong, volleyballs, bouncy balls, footballs and golf balls around the room until they discovered wrestling with one another was equally thrilling).

9:30-11:30
Scavenger Hunt (What really happened: I drove four 15 year olds around North Riverside, Berwyn, LaGrange Park and Countryside while they critiqued my driving and wrestled for "shotgun". We ended up at Wendy's at 11pm along with the rest of Lyons Township High School. I look young...but not that young. They soon caught on to me and they cleaned up their language automatically. It was hilarious. One of the kids looked at me after hearing his friend curse and said..."er, sorry. You have heard that word before, right? You're not like a ya know...good all the time, right?")

11:30-12:30
Ice Cream!!! (What really happened: everyone ate ice cream except for the kids that drove in m car. My trip to Wendy's was discovered)

12:30-1:00
Scavenger Hunt Results (What really happened: I don't know)

1:00-3:00 am
Sardines/Capture the Flag (What really happened: They played games. They ran around the church and broke a lamp. They ate some more. They played xbox, DDR, Karaoke Revolution and that electronic dance game)

3:00-4:00
Free time (What really happened: at this point we were supposed to suggest they sleep)

4:00-6:00
Movie time (What really happened: we watched a movie! It was that Wallace and Grommet video and I don't remember much of it. There isn't a lot of animation that can keep me awake at 4:30 in the morning. However, the group FINALLY fell asleep at 3:40am!

6:00-6:30
Spare time (What really happened: Now they wanted to sleep. Especially when we turned the lights on and blared music at 6:15)

6:30-7:00
Clean-up and leave! (What really happened: I don't know if they helped clean too much. I was too busy picking up the mess so I could go home and sleep for a couple more hours. They seemed to have had fun and their parents seemed happy to have had their houses to themselves for an entire evening)

Patience: An easy concept...in theory

2006-02-22T22:26:00.000-06:00

I was the kid that got what they wanted. Not in a spoiled, I want a pony way but in a do whatever it took way. When I was 8 I wanted my ears pierced. I negotiated a deal with the folks. If I kept my room clean for a year then I could get my ears pierced for my 9th birthday.

I kept my end of the bargain. My ears are now pierced and that may have been the only time my room was truly clean.

I was raised to dream big and to put my everything into accomplishing my hearts desire. Because of that I am stubborn and passionate.

In two areas of of my life I've heard the exact same feedback: please, be patient.

Sometimes I wonder, what does it feel like to have patience? It must be sort of peaceful.

cold-hot-cold and the just rights

2006-02-19T13:13:00.000-06:00

The static electricity in my room has been unbearable for the past few weeks. The other day I reached to turn the light off but before I even got to the switch I received a shock that turned everything off.

This made stripping the bed today unbearable and in my haste I shoved the bundle of sheets into the washing machine. In the bundle of sheets was my TV’s remote control.

I let it dry out and not only does it work but it's really clean.

Also, for the first time in years I used a dryer sheet. What's the use of keeping carcinogenic chemicals off my skin if I'm risking spastic electric shocks?

slippery way home: the sudoko puzzle haunting

2006-02-16T23:10:00.000-06:00

Letting someone down is an unsettling thing because one can have the best intentions with the best heart to back them and still manage to cross the invisible line of internal hurt, scaring and brutality.

Back to square one. Relationships are tricky because it concerns the heart.

To Love: a metaphysical power that far exceeds the physical organ of the heart.

Complicated gyrations that jump painful tracks while fueling the train that is breath. To ride or gather your belongings along the track is our only true choice.

Those that ride hold their breath and anticipate the switching of the tracks while those that choose not to ride sit homeless along the track and daydream of sleeper and observatory cars.

Next time I'll drive myself or plug in my ipod.

walk this way

2006-02-09T17:35:00.000-06:00

Disclaimer: I too prefer my goofy entries. No need to adjust your volume. I know I'm sounding dramatic as of late. Like other things, it will pass.

I'm not happy about how I've been reacting to life bombarding me. I've been disappointed before, therefore...this should be no different. However, it does feel different and the result is a numbing effect. In my eye that’s the worst because when I feel numb I feel stagnant.

Earlier in the week I walked around the arboretum. The fresh air did me good. As I made my lap around the pond I contemplated T-B, work, finances and God.

As my walk was ending I found this message in the snow. It reminded me of a B.C. cartoon my grandma had on her fridge. The main character was praying on an issue and was asking God for a sign. The following frame showed a neon sign dropping from the sky. It read "I'm up here."

No, I'm not happy. I walked on a bit further and discovered they wrote "yes" or "no"...well, gee. If I circle my answer will it help me any? Will an enchanted doe emerge from the forest to guide me?

The last message in the snow read, "happiness this way" and it had an arrow pointing along the path to my car. If there were any more messages it had melted away with the snow.

So, I guess the answer is...keep moving?

Ribbon dream exchange

2006-02-02T22:28:00.000-06:00

In college I had vivid dreams with vivid colors. Usually there'd be multi colored ribbons streaming in the air. One end was tightly wound around a pole while they were allowed to move, weave and tangle as they wish. Sky or water, there was always a blue background with streaming colors grasping at life.

Now, I dream about my cubicle and the papers that wait for me there. Earlier in the week I dreamed I was chasing my cat around the driveway. Last week I dreamed T-B was hushly whispering about the complexity of the day.

Point: I'm stressed. It's not as if I'm laughing any less or anything as measurable as that. Its more like I'm starting to achieve what I set out to accomplish and...now what? Do you know the maintenance cost for the intangible? The way I see it, you pay out of the soul and it's difficult to keep that kind of thing in the books. Who likes to keep receipts for 60 hour weeks while using corporate lingo like "disconnect" and "opportunity"?Dudes, in real time "opportunity" means an additional 10 min. with a crabby boss.

Yesterday a co-worker told me that at the end of each day he's mentally created a list of 5 things he wishes he hadn't said out loud. I can't remember some of the things that come out of my mouth and he's thinking about details that he wants to take back?

keys* to success

2006-01-27T23:12:00.000-06:00

This has been a crazy week filled with blunders, opportunities and growth.

T-B tore out my horoscope and shared it with me late Wednesday night-

Capricorn: It's time to do some serious re-evaluating. Perhaps you need to adjust your priorities, you may feel as though you're not getting what you're truly worth. Seek outside advice around the 14th. By month's end, you'll see a resolution. Your creativity is showing considerable growth. Hang in there.

Triple ye'haw to that.

Change==focused intent++expending time & energy

It's Friday night and it feels like a Monday.

love...and the lining up of essential knick-knacks

2006-01-25T22:24:00.000-06:00

I'm sure I'll figure out this thing called love...eventually. For insurance I went to the local Borders and ordered a book on it. Honestly, I've been eyeing it for some time but as love and life would have it, it disappeared off the shelf right as I had a need for it. I've been contemplating reading other books too and for a wild moment, I thought I'd even write one.

I really like the idea of figuring it all out. All of it, and then writing it down to share. For instance, the folks at work are keeping a list as to reasons why I'm still single. It keeps them entertained and I've taken it further by making it into a fictitious book. Why I'm still single: A self-guided tour of the stubborn and beautiful.

gurgle, grumble and the big brown dog

2006-01-24T10:07:00.000-06:00

Dogs eat the grossest things...and as the big brown dog proceeded to throw up on the white carpet; I ran a mental list-
panties
feminine products
kleenex
nail buffers
socks
Then they have the audacity to climb into bed with you. There is only so much clothing I can take off to stay cool while a 110 pound dog lays on my feet.

another place and time

2006-01-22T15:53:00.000-06:00

Airport

Trees

So far, so good.

posting skills...blogging skills...readers like writters with skills

2006-01-13T12:09:00.000-06:00

Since I forgot, added it and then accidentally deleted this photo I say...take another entry!

things that go bump in the prehistoric night

2006-01-13T11:06:00.000-06:00

Last week I tooled around the Field Museum with family, practically family, an acquaintance and a stranger from Australia.

The Pompei exhibit was great. Yes...people died but the jewelry they wore was exquisite. No cameras allowed so I found myself sketching a pair of earrings to duplicate later.

Side note: Did I miss the History channel/Nature channel special on the copulation of dinosaurs? I might have water on the brain lately, but as I stood looking at Sue I couldn't help but wonder...

Once apon a time, and other fond fables

2006-01-10T10:21:00.000-06:00

During the move I found my cat balancing on top of pillows that I had hastily stacked. It must have been her tail that kept her in check which allowed her to settle into a ball for a lazy nap.

There are few things that she demands of me: food, water, love/constant attention and challenging nap locations. During a move that took a month to prepare, a week of physical labor and endless weeks to unpack it would seem she has a plethora of the later.

Her needs aside, I thought of one of my favorite childhood stories:

How to Tell a True Princess
Written by Hans Chrisitan Andersen

There was once upon a time a Prince who wanted to marry a Princess, but she must be a true Princess. So he traveled through the whole world to find one, but there was always something against each. There were plenty of Princesses, but he could not find out if they were true Princesses. In every case there was some little defect, which showed the genuine article was not yet found. So he came home again in very low spirits, for he had wanted very much to have a true Princess.

One night there was a dreadful storm; it thundered and lightened and the rain streamed down in torrents. It was fearful! There was a knocking heard at the palace gate, and the old King went to open it.
There stood a Princess outside the gate; but oh, in what a sad sight she was from the rain and the storm! The water was running down from her hair and her dress into the points of her shoes and out at the heels again. And yet she said she was a true Princess!

"Well, we shall soon find out!" thought the old Queen. But she said nothing and went into the sleeping-room, took off all the bedclothes, and laid a pea on the bottom of the bed. Then she put twenty mattresses on top of the pea and twenty eider-down quilts on the top of the mattresses. And this was the bed in which the princess was to sleep.

The next morning she was asked how she slept.
"Oh, very badly!" said the Princess. "I scarcely closed my eyes all night! I am sure I don't know what was in the bed. I lay on something so hard that my whole body is black and blue. It is dreadful!"

Now they perceived that she was a true Princess, because she had felt the pea through the twenty mattresses and the twenty eider-down quilts.

No one but a true Princess could be so sensitive.

So the Prince married her, for now he knew that at last he had got hold of a true Princess. And the pea was put into the Royal Museum, where it is still to be seen if no one has stolen it.
---
!What the hell is the point of the story and why was it one of my favorites?
I remember the picture in my book. Let me tell you, she didn't look the least bit concerned that she had to climb over 20 mattresses. If she was so sensitive about a dang pea then...again what are we promoting?

However, it is with great pleasure that I announce princess Daisy. Her disapproving squawks and meows could be heard throughout (before and after her nap).

If I were my filing cabinet's key; where would I be?

2006-01-04T11:02:00.000-06:00

Life is incredibly sweet right now. I can sum it up with one word: opportunity...

The above may be evidence of corporate mumble jumble creeping into my casual vocabulary (it will reside next to "bifurcated"). I suppose that was in the red pill I swallowed a couple of weeks ago. All I know is nothing has been the same since and it has affected multiple aspects of my life and all for the better.

More words to come. I have to unpack first.

pretty pizzelles and all other things beautiful

2005-12-27T10:49:00.000-06:00

Oh...holidays!

love, hope and more love

2005-12-25T11:42:00.000-06:00

For Xmas
By Nancy Urzi

To Some dear friends I give a gift,
To some I send a card;
Yet there are some to whom I smile
And greet them with a word.
But dear ones I've given you
A thing that's set apart.
You know it not,
But still you've got,
The thing that's called "My Heart"

My grandmother wrote that poem 40+ years ago. It sort of makes me tear up when I read it. She had something for everyone and was willing to give her heart to the ones that meant the most.

To give your heart, your time...Merry Christmas!

finding your own good time

2005-12-22T10:42:00.000-06:00

I'm in love with the holidays this year. Somehow my senses are being jostled by the spirit of it all. Usually my family would have the tree up and holiday music playing. This year is different. It's hard to be holiday oriented while packing boxes.

Then again, "on the move" is the Christmas story.

Bottom line, I'm feeling appreciative. This has been an incredible year.

funny-good

2005-12-21T16:15:00.000-06:00

Long week here...but I'm glad I put in the time. This time tomorrow I'll be doing something different other than sitting at my desk which is fine by me since I have other things on the brain.

I've been avoiding the home for the past couple weeks. After a long day at the office I really don't want to see my house covered with boxes..which means I've been retreating to the following venues

1. coffee houses
2. bars

With the holidays approaching I've been frequenting venue #2 more often than venue #1.

Tonight, Venue 2, again...Happy Holidays!

Happy fender bender

2005-12-17T13:49:00.000-06:00

I had an accident on the way to work this afternoon (yes, work on a Saturday, terrible).

I've been pulled over a few times since I started driving. I usually get off with a warning. Coincidentally, nearly two months ago I got pulled over for doing 32 in 25 and was scolded for having mismatched plated designs (same plate numbers...different design). The same officer arrived at today's accident.

It was not a pleasant reunion. No tears were rendered to gain leverage. I didn't break out my charm and I certainly wasn't flashing the smile. I took one for the team and the batgirl mobile is all the more closer to being on its way out the door. Also, I have to go to court on Jan. 11.

THE UBELIEVABLE PART OF IT ALL

If you refer to my entry from 9/18, "What was seen was paid for":

The 'ol bait and switch was in action Saturday afternoon. G and I were out enjoying the pleasures of the mall when we found a flier advertising psychic services for $15. A call was placed and 15 minutes later we were rushed in and then out. My session lasted long enough for G to run across the street to redeem cash from the ATM. Cost of service was $25 each. If you must know...according to her I have a dark cloud above me and for $95 she will meditate over my full name between midnight and 6am. "I guarantee my work," she added.

The specifics.
I will-live a long life (Update: I'm still alive)
Move soon...(Update: I'm moving homes Jan. 2 and I'm currently moving to a different work cubicle)
change jobs soon...(Update: I've been working as a consultant for the past 16 months, as of Dec. 1 the company made me an employee)
go to court (the ruling will be in my favor)...(Update: thanks to my driving and the civilian issued citation...well, at least "the ruling will be in my favor".)
and...my ex thinks about me a lot and wants me back..."or, wait...do you have a boyfriend?" she nervously asked...(Update: dear lord...no boyfriend, thank you and if I get a phone call from SDR I'm checking myself in. Psychiatric care wasn't in the stars though...or at least she was nice enough to no tell me.)

I foresee a busy six months (Update: since I squeezed in all that into 3 months, I foresee a relaxed and reflective remaining 3 months). Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to prepare for court (Update: dang it! Look both ways).

title protected

2005-12-15T22:03:00.000-06:00

AIR HOCKEY CHAMPION
I wish there was a photo to show me in action. Although, I was a bit off tonight. To get back into the game I threw a quarter onto the floor and as my opponent bent down to pick it up I hit the puck in...that's right; I play dirty.

What's right about wrong

2005-12-14T09:16:00.000-06:00

I've made steps towards good, really...I have. I'm participating in things that will potentially make me stronger both internally and externally. I'm thinking about switching on lights that have been off for awhile. This reassessment process is kind of...painful, I guess. What I thought mattered vs. what matters today, tomorrow. This is why I switched that particular light off.

I read once that faith was stepping forward in the dark.

The only thing I had to compare it to was the part in Indiana Jones where he had to cross the cavern while having faith that he will "walk on air," or something. Armed with a fancy hat and whip he took a deep breathe and, begrudgingly, stepped forward. He even rolled his eyes and I'd like the think he thought...Jesus Christ; I can't believe you're making me do this.

I wonder if he wasn't more frustrated with himself for deciding that this was what he had to do. He could've stayed at home and scored with the cute student in the front row (writing I love you one your eyelids was ingenious), but that wouldn't have been settling in the long haul.

Question: Does finding the Holy Grail save you from anything? I mean, really, Indiana now has an eternity of running from natives, dodging arrows/bullets and most of all himself.

I need to start wearing fun hats and I'm thinking a whip might be fun too.

red light...green light

2005-12-07T12:56:00.000-06:00

Exhausting games of these sorts. Someone close to me once loudly proclaimed..."life isn't black and white!" Granted, they were jerking me around at the time but it was at that moment I realized things aren't always good/bad, right/wrong, or love/hate.

There are some 60 shades of grey. However, the reality is the human eye can only decipher around 30. Any more than 30 shades doesn't add clarity to an image.

I wonder, if the shades of grey that we see run parallel to the amount we rationalize a situation. If my instincts tell me someone's behavior is wrong but I continue to rationalize until it's okay or undecided, I've taken black and white: wrong, and created grey areas: okay.

I wonder, how understanding do we have to be? My needs, your needs, projecting those needs while hankering to come together, or not.

What I do know: I've got air hockey skills

Sunday, the unexpected fun

2005-12-05T08:26:00.000-06:00

I met a friend for a drink at the empty bottle. Light Sunday night activity turned into 3 beers, giggling like a 5 year old and....

*******************************************************

VISION OF YOUR FUTURE
Empty Bottle
December 04, 2005

Audience:
You can choose to be a participant or not, but no matter what please help to maintain a quiet atmosphere.
We participated

O. ABSTRACT (we can create change together and affect our futures in this moment by following this simple equation:)

Change==focused intent++expending time & energy

1. Introduciton:
Choosing what you want to change
The world...possibly love life? I settled on the world, it seemed easier.

2. Method: Exploring common choices

A) Money worksheet: write your lottery numbers here ________________
Our lottery numbers were created by writing our numbers on scrap paper. The ladies were asked to write the number of partners they've had. The men were asked to write the length of their...ahem. The numbers were collected and added up. It was an ungodly number...30,000-something. There were only 30 participants so we were either dishonest with our numbers or we can't add. Possibly both.

The idea here was that in order to "hit it big" we should be honest with ourselves and with others.

B) Seeing love (you can change the amount of love you feel by the amount you exude.)
For this exercise we were asked to look into our friend's eyes for two minutes. The first minute we sent loving thoughts about the person in our silence. The second minute we continued the loving thoughts, maintained eye contact and touched hands. This felt good.

Idea being that if I did my part and exuded love to my friend then it would be recognized and given back to me. Or, was it that since I was open to give freely I was open to feel and love what I was giving? Further still, that if I exude love as I did while looking into my friend's eyes then it can be done with my world. Rose colored glasses...?

*****************************************************

Fun stuff. If it wasn't for life I would have liked to stay.

ultimate showdown

2005-11-29T08:20:00.000-06:00

Dressing in the morning can be a battle. I'm sure my high school education was compromised because of these fights. Not sure what to wear but unwilling to just wear anything.

To approach my closet without inclination means a set back of 15-30 minutes. Usually, I start thinking about it as soon as I hit my first snooze. By the time I've toweled off I have a color scheme and when I'm done applying make up I can walk up to the closet grab it and go.

Oh, but not today. Today I was lacking inspiration. The result is brown pants, blue top, no belt and gold shoes.
I could blame a few things but I'm going to scapegoat feng shui. I moved my closet over the weekend and the energy isn't flowing right.

Last time I was "lacking inspiration" the Duchess of York showed up at the office. Nice...

additional fine print

2005-11-28T08:39:00.000-06:00

Found: frustrating fine print in italics. More time needed before signing...still hopeful.

Back in college I went on a couple dates with a man who indirectly referred to me as his second job. He was speaking to his friend on the phone in code. At 21 I thought he meant he had two girls, I being the second. Now I wonder…he was older and had a 9 to 5 job. Was I his second job to be dealt with seriously? The relationship didn’t last past that date, thankfully.

However, now I wonder about the analogy. In regards to my day job, I love what I do. I didn’t always feel that way but I made a commitment to the job because I saw the benefits of a paycheck, experience and I was hopeful. Now, nearly a year and a half later I’ve realized that I depend on my job and they need me. It’s a complicated relationship with sometimes illusive expectations but I’m happy with what I’ve established.

In the meantime, maintain happy images...like flying squirrels, etc. Image by E, thanks.

cool cashew

2005-11-27T14:49:00.000-06:00

I had nearly two cups of coffee this morning which is nearly two too many. I couldn't pass up the idea of cinnamon floating on hyper goodness. Cinnaminomin-n-n-n.

Buckwheat pancakes with real maple syrup. We played Atari too. A perfect Sunday morning in my book. Compliments to the cook.

I met with the youth group leader and some of the Senior High kids for lunch. I'm wondering if a good mentor would laugh at their farting jokes the way that I did. Did you know their was such a thing as Christian mints and hot sauce? Testi-mints and Hell's fire. I'm thinking about how crazy that is and wondering if I'm in the wrong business. I could market me some Christian bottled water and make it big. Forget you heard that idea, it's mine.

All-in-all, this is some good stuff going down. Honestly, I feel like I've won the feel good lottery and I'm happy to share my winnings.

Turkey again tonight. For no reason at all. Pinch me...

the thing about yelling

2005-11-24T00:15:00.000-06:00

This week, although short and relatively good...I 've yelled at two people. It's strange to me; I consider myself to be laid back. Some may argue that but I know I've come a long way from the red headed freakouts of my youth.

It takes an awful lot to fire me up now a days. Like, 9 months of badgering from a co-worker. Or, three weeks of dealing with new neighbors that pound on their walls until midnight.

What's odder still is how empty and unhappy I feel after yelling. When I was younger I could feel the energy expell from my body. I remember feeling impressed at my ability to act strong. Now, I'm ashamed that my words sometimes fail me at a respectful volume.

Respect, expectations...now I'm up at midnight pondering expectations. How to make mine and others clearer and more obtainable all because of my need to yell at the neighbor guy.

Mind you, my intentions in both cases were not to yell. Constructive comments were made at a slightly elevated volume. In my defense I refrained from drop kicking my co-worker's computer and I haven't slashed my neighbor's tires. The sad thing is that I thought about it, if not for a split second and then I felt sorry enough to confess online.

I am happy. Thank you.

2005-11-23T14:22:00.000-06:00

send me away so I can realize...I missed you

2005-11-22T08:40:00.000-06:00

On my way to Iowa City I pretended to listen to the book on tape that I checked out. Secretly, I glanced at my phone every 5 minutes and wondered what the people in my life were up to. Good things are happening and the buzz is making my heart sing.
Brad is home.
HOME
I don't remember having such an intense attachment to this word except during college years.
Leo. Part cat, part raccoon...he ate the entire cheese wheel too.
I saw a rooster in my coffee and it made me laugh. Laughing by yourself in a public place just makes me laugh more. It took me 3 hours and 2 glasses of water to drink this mocha mint drink. I read a book, The Four Agreements. I thought it would change my life and I'd like to think it possibly can.

On another note. I wonder, when things are going so well is it possible they are real? I don't think it's worth looking for any fine print but playing the silly girl really isn't my style. I wonder if many have the internal voice that reminds them not to be foolish. When things even remotely sway towards the uncontrolled my inner voice hums...I told you so. I'm going to start owning my word, both the internal voice and spoken. It's about time I become my greatest ally.

the holidays are a comin'

2005-11-17T10:51:00.000-06:00

Today I sat at my desk and dipped Oreos into coffee while dreaming about turkey. Since I didn't put cream or sugar into my coffee it's seems acceptable. My obsession with turkey is incurable.

Last year my mother asked me to stop moaning at the table..."we all know you love turkey..." The previous Thanks Giving was held at my Grandmother's. She over cooked the bird and then let it sit out 3 hours until the rest of the food was ready. I was third in line when my aunt pointed out that I had taken a plate from the grown-ups' table and alas, I'm still classified as a child. I dropped out of line to return the plate to the adult table. I took my place at the back of the line with the plate from the child's table. There was no turkey left by the time I reached it. My young cousin, who refused to eat, threw out 4 slices of turkey. I wanted to cry but I was afraid it would prove that I deserved to be at the children's table. This year will be different. Different side of the family, other side of the state and I'll be dammed if I get bullied to or at the children’s' table.

The family is trying something different this holiday season. Thanks Giving in Galena, Christmas without my brother and New Years/Birthday extravaganza...to be decided.

round 2

2005-11-14T05:22:00.000-06:00

Surgery again today. B recovered so well from the first operation that if it wasn't for the incompetence of the pathologist, he'd probably be home right now.

I've been staying with G the entire week. When we were kids we had planned to live in an apartment together and then find two boys and be married by 21. The past week is the closest we came to either of those adolescent goals. I think we would have made great roommates (and terrible brides at 21!).

H-dog is confused by the absence of his male owner. As G left the house H-dog began to hyperventilate. The only thing that would calm him down was to go under the blankets and lay in the dark. I think we are all feeling that way...close to hyperventilating and wishing we could hide under the covers.

However, as G and I learned yesterday we all must be cheerleaders. Clocking in at 3:45 am, G wins the award for dedication.

I feel that dedication and love is the most honest offering.

meeting

2005-11-13T00:23:00.000-06:00

When I was in college I wanted nothing more than to be surrounded by beauty. Pure beauty that can only be presented by nature. Now, nestled into the suburbs of Chicago I want it even more.

My top 5 in college:

1. Love
2. Family
3. Education
4. Nature
5. Future

Current top 5:

1. Family and Friends
2. Love
3. Nature
4. Career
5. Future

I suppose not much has changed. Friend's have rotated and bonds have grown stronger. Loves have dissipated but hope has developed. Nature moved up while career replaced education. This is who I am.

Tapas vs dimsum. Coffee bar or bar. I'll take either as long as my top five can come along.

hands

2005-11-07T22:08:00.000-06:00

Brad was in surgery from 2:55 to approximately 7pm. He did well and we'll know more when the biopsy report comes back.

We were able to visit him in the intensive care unit. He squeezed hands, wiggled toes, opened his eyes and shook his head.

He's one strong guy...

better yet, love is too precious

2005-11-06T08:19:00.000-06:00

My cat is nuzzling me while I write this, confirming that indeed this is what I'm supposed to be writing about.

I spent some time over at G&B's place yesterday. Armed with food I entered their home afraid that I could offer nothing more.

I'm scared, yet optimistic....Seemed to be everyone's tone.

G cleaned, smiled, rattled off medical terms and kept schedules. I believe that when anyone needed a break they looked at her...calm, caring and aware.

I've noticed that when life becomes traumatic my senses perk up and take notice. Noises seem deafening. Winds seem brutal. Kindnesses seem heaven sent. Love becomes enough.

Life is too dang precious

2005-11-05T11:05:00.000-06:00

Living a year of seeing life without coincidences seemed like a fun challenge to me. I can easily draw conclusions about life...pulling connections from across the universe until a neat glistening web appears. However, that doesn't happen, now does it? If it is a web and it glistens than it will attract many and will have an owner. A dark, multi legged owner bent on it's own survival. Without it, there would be no balance and with it...well, you can still appreciate the workmanship along with the bird that eats the owner or my cat who bats it around. This doesn't make any sense.

Ween

2005-10-31T14:04:00.000-06:00

I've finally mastered my candy apple eating.

I celebrated at the office last week and with the friends on Saturday. Sitting at my desk I can't help but feel the entire holiday was anticlimactic. Next year I will suggest interdepartmental trick or treating.

The perks

2005-10-26T16:16:00.000-05:00

When I was a kid there were perks for being sick. It usually included a teen magazine (with a large foldout of The New Kids on the Block), fudge popsicles and homemade soup. I was able to watch TV, read my books and take naps. This might be why I spent many days home "sick" in grade school, junior high, high school and let's face it...college.
Being sick as an adult has no perks. They want you at your desk breathing germs onto your neighbors. Now starts the 4 month period of the cold, flu thing.
Health insurance coming soon...!

Point

2005-10-25T15:05:00.000-05:00

Nearly two years ago I left my college town. During my five years of living in Stevens Point I had never toured the Brewery, until now.
The samples were great.
Saturday night we gathered at our good friend's house for an old fashioned progressive card party. I played at table #1 for 30 minutes. Actually, I don't remember how long I was at that table. One minute we were winning and moving up and the next we were loosing and being asked to move back down to table 6. Table 6 was located in the new nursery. Surrounded by bright lights, butterfly borders and breast pumps I politely asked for music, preferably Led Zeppelin.
Family is great. After a late night, we woke up early and traveled to the far Southside for breakfast with more family. Thus far, we have visited with 3 grandparents, 2 aunts, 1 uncle and 1 cousin. That might not sound impressive, however...it is. I promise.

If I were one of the seven dwarfs, I'd be...

2005-10-18T10:20:00.000-05:00

That's right...Sneezy. Last year I went to the Allergist and I was instructed to keep my windows closed at all times, get rid of all pets and to limit my time spent out doors. I started laughing and asked where I could purchase my bubble. Then, realizing it wasn't that funny, I cried. I believe the Allergist felt sorry for me. I left with a plethora of samples...none of which made me less itchy.

Today, I realized that I don't need a bubble. I'm going to place my allergens in bubbles. Genius, I know. I'm going to market it with a side of Zyrtec and nasal spray, cat not included. Side effects to include detachments to things once loved and nose bleeds. Bubble provided by LR.

"Some people have dandruff, I have an overactive imagination"

2005-10-17T09:25:00.000-05:00

I woke up with a smile on my face (a big one) and in my drowsy search for the weather channel I landed on AMC. The Seven Year Itch was on. The classic reminds me of another classic-Edgar Allen Poe's, The Tell-Tale Heart. Instead of an old man there is the beautiful Marilyn Monroe and his crazy daydreams replace the fictitious beating heart beneath the floorboards. He begins to have daydreams where his wife comes home early from holiday and finds him in the arms of a blonde and then kills him. In both classics it is man that does himself in. It's hilarious because Marilyn either is used to men freaking out or she is oblivious. My weekend was the most quiet I've experienced in a long, long time. I learned how to change out spark plugs and I started to knit a scarf. I watched 4 chick movies (only one made me cry) and I balanced it all by watching The Family Guy movie. Next weekend will be much, much more exciting. The anticipation/anxiety of it all...is awesome.

a wrinkle in Ara time

2005-10-13T07:00:00.000-05:00

Daily Overview for October 13, 2005
Provided by Astrology.com

Capricorn
Now it's time to exchange a serious approach for a more lighthearted one. People want to connect with you, if only you'll let them. Try on their point of view, entertain their ideas and see how it all feels.

*******************************************************************

Try on their point of view, entertain their ideas and see how it feels? This is an interesting concept. Last Saturday I had a beer, then coffee and tea with a friend who told me to own the moment while being detached from the outcome. It requires stepping into someone's moment and allowing others to enter yours. An active encounter involving a higher awareness while mingling lightheartedness and detachment.

Easy, right?

Run

2005-10-10T09:00:00.000-05:00

I set my alarm for 5:45, a terrible time to wake up on a Sunday morning. As V's boyfriend said, "this is what you're going to see," he then proceeded to run circles in his living room. Oh how wrong he was.

At the 17 mile the runners have their pictures taken while they pass under the photographers. I stood in the area with my parents for an hour and a half. I love this picture. Pure emotion and determination; you'd think the heavens had just opened.

Also, it was here that my dad started yelling, "it's all downhill from here..." We made him stop and go back to saying, "looking good!"

Okay, G might get angry with me but I'm so dang proud her. This is one of the most beautiful pictures of her that I've ever seen. It is her true moment. Good job!

my time is mine

2005-10-07T11:24:00.000-05:00

I hear stories on a daily basis and they're filled with drama. Men and women come together, create drama then separate (either for the afternoon or forever) and disperse their dramatic woes onto the world.

When a coworker tells me how her man doesn't pick his socks off the couch I sort of smile. The only socks on my couch are my own and I put them there. When my friend tells me that her man snored so loud she left their bed, I breathe easy. The only one leaving my bed is my pushy cat and it's at my request.

I'm learning to enjoy my own drama. My stories are about me, laughing and complaining about myself. The questions I pose are inescapably my own.

Soon enough I'll have a partner to complain about. I'm sure it will happen just as I get comfortable with leaving my own socks on the couch. When I become content with the cat sleeping on my head. Why did I ever feel rushed?

What I forgot to say

2005-09-29T07:59:00.000-05:00

The moment has past, and sure enough I've remembered what I was going to say last night. What I meant to ask...

I think if the wind had been at my back, if it had been 5 degrees warmer and a hour earlier I might have remembered. If I had remembered could I have made it better? Clearer?

Inward, again.

later still

2005-09-27T08:25:00.000-05:00

Friday I found myself in many places but I was at my greatest peace at the Morton Arboretum. Somewhere between the blue heron's landing, perch and flight I realized I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

Late images

2005-09-27T07:57:00.000-05:00

That's right image(s)! It seems the blogger gods are working against me. However, yesterday I wasn't able to post a single picture so I'll be appreciative today. This is my favorite anyways. I will try to post the others later.

I'm no longer young

2005-09-25T14:20:00.000-05:00

The definition of a good toss is no longer riding roller coasters. The last time I attended Great America I thought it a good time. However, this weekend was not. With 4 hours of sleep and a hangover I earned, I rode the Superman ride and the Batman. Two super heroes later I felt common, queasy and annoyed. As G put it, "I just don't enjoy getting thrown around like that anymore." We felt a bit sad about it and recognized that our next visit might be with our siblings' unborn brats or worse...our own.

red lines, chalk lines and blood lines

2005-09-21T16:22:00.000-05:00

Some mornings feel like a million bucks while others feel as if a million years had raked me over with vengeance. Today, was a confusing blend of the two that aided in "The Balance".

I've been writing with this red pencil all morning. I haven't a clue how it ended up on my desk. Those are not my teeth marks. I gave it up and it is currently residing behind the new guy's ear. He doesn't seem to care that it has been in someone's mouth. I think that would make a great Dilbert cartoon.

If you'd like to comment please email me. If you know me you know my address. Note to others: Do your lame advertising on your own time. I do not wish to advertise your Chevy, play online poker nor rent adult videos from you.

pushing the past

2005-09-19T22:14:00.000-05:00

Faced with a couple of disappointments I went home for lunch and watched an episode of The Bill Cosby Show. In this episode, Theo had the house to himself and threw a party. What was intend to be a party of 6 turned into 200.

I don't know why, but that made me feel better and I returned to work. My fascination with old sitcoms is a bit nutty. I'm comfortable watching what I know. There is a story that was relevant when I was a kid and remains comical today. I don't watch much TV. I don't care for the reality shows but I love an episode of Fresh Prince, The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Mr. Ed, M*A*S*H...anything but FullHouse. The only thing good about Full House is that we didn't yet know there were two Olson girls.

What was seen, I paid for

2005-09-18T19:17:00.000-05:00

The 'ol bait and switch was in action Saturday afternoon. G and I were out enjoying the pleasures of the mall when we found a flier advertising psychic services for $15. A call was placed and 15 minutes later we were rushed in and then out. My session lasted long enough for G to run across the street to redeem cash from the ATM. Cost of service was $25 each.

If you must know...according to her I have a dark cloud above me and for $95 she will meditate over my full name between midnight and 6am. "I guarantee my work," she added.

The specifics. I will-

live a long life
move soon
change jobs soon
go to court (the ruling will be in my favor)
and...my ex thinks about me a lot and wants me back..."or, wait...do you have a boyfriend?" she nervously asked.

I foresee a busy six months. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to prepare for court.

Philanthropants

2005-09-16T09:09:00.000-05:00

yesterday my pants went golfing while I drank and mingled with the office people on an over manicured lawn. It was my first time golfing. I did 9 holes (in three hours) and shot a 42. They tell me that ain't too shabby.

I won a $25 gift certificate to Best Buy for being my clumsy self. I thought I could be fancy and pick my ball off the ground from the moving cart. Some things happen in slow motion upstairs while the body moves fast, this was no exception. The result was a cartwheel out of the cart with an excellent finish, I recovered the ball. Units of alcohol involved: 1.5.

Overall units of alcohol consumed: 5? I used to play Oregon Trials at the public library. I'd choose my destiny (I was always the Banker) and load my wagon with things an eight year old thought was necessary for wild west living. Usually, I'd loose an axle, some gear and a few relatives. Occasionally, I succumbed to illness. These illnesses popped up on the screen causally and I had no idea what they were. Consumption, in my mind, I had died because of alcoholism. I vowed on my next play I'd put down the fire water and stay healthy.

I went to yoga class after a full day of fun. Halfway through the class I felt hungover. I fell asleep on my mat and the instructor had to wake me up.

text

2005-09-13T08:30:00.000-05:00

Disclaimer: my internet is down. I've found two computers to work from but one allows me to only enter text while the other, being my work computer, lends no privacy. So, please excuse any double postings.

Friday was Ara day. To see a friend off we got a manicure and a pedicure and enjoyed lunch together. She keeps saying "I'm leaving," some people will use any excuse to be pampered (xo). If that wasn't enough indulgence, I met another friend for wine and a belly dancing show in Andersonville. The music and dancing was intoxicating. There is something about particular drum beats that calls for movement of the feet, hips and chest. The owner of the establishment was also the musician. He was tall, burly and scary looking. It took some coaxing to believe that such music could come from him.

Saturday I returned to the Wolfroad prairie and walked the trails on my own. I remember saying a couple of months ago that, "this will be the week of barbecue sauce," and nothing every came of it. However, this was the week of Monarch butterflies. I lost count of them while they flirted with my camera.

Sunday was Daisy Day. She started her incessant meowing again. I've tried holding her, combing her, fresh food, water and scolding. I wish she could tell me what is wrong so that I could tell her "that's life" or "if you're bored I've got a few things on my list YOU could do".

Monday we had a couple of new people start in the office. Firstly, we are a strange group which made welcoming them into clown family without getting strange looks difficult. A co-worker told me a story at lunch that made me laugh until I cried. I heard someone defend my behavior to the new people. First impressions are not my forte.

Yoga started Last night. That makes twice a week now.

Text Coming

2005-09-12T07:49:00.000-05:00

Corporate tiara

2005-09-08T23:59:00.000-05:00

Armed with tiny green stickers I assumed an administrative position and was invited to the "War Room" this week. The 8th floor.

When I volunteered to help the hurricane victims I thought a large corporation would engage my soul and set me to organizing a food drive. I know...how silly of me. Instead I was placed in front of a map and was set to the task of marking our realestate that had been destroyed by the storm but as of recently been reopened.

Corporate greed? Yes. However, while in the War Room I heard one of our top people take a phone call from an employee. The employee was calling because he'd left work to be with his family in New Orleans. Upon arriving he realized he didn't have enough resources to help his mother and father. He was calling for money. He didn't call the bank, he called a name that when viewed on an organizational chart, was at the top. The top man finished the call. He was neither stunned nor emotional. Instead, he picked up the phone and arranged a loan using cold sterile words. The employee's financial problem was resolved within 30 minutes of placing a call to the top guy. The money, "whatever he asks for," was wired into his account immediately.

That was good, right? That counts as good even if no empathetic tears were shed or no emotion was presented. It was a solution filling a direct need. Although foreign to me, it was business as usual on the 8th floor.

Monarchy

2005-09-07T23:59:00.000-05:00

I dodged a monarch butterfly while walking the dog this evening. As it was flying towards my head I noticed just how large it was. I didn't move out of its way fast enough and his wing grazed my check. It put a smile on my face and gave the dog an excited bounce in her step.

Butterflies were a favorite metaphor used by my father in long lectures to my preteen self. The story has it that when I was 7 we vacationed in Michigan. I spent the majority of my time chasing butterflies on the beach. In all my anxious trapping abilities that suburban kids can posses I was never able to catch one. I fell asleep on my towel and forgot about all things beautiful and fluttering. When I woke I found nearly a colony were perched on my belly and feet.

My father than interjected whatever "thing" I was striving for as the butterfly and suggested if I were patient and stopped mindlessly chasing "things" that it would come to me. Besides, chasing "things" that didn't truly belong to me was a waste of energy that could be used to love what you currently have.

So, now I'm dodging butterflies. I wonder what my father would say about that.

sweet optimism

2005-09-06T23:59:00.000-05:00

For lunch I had a chicken sandwich, an iced tea and a nap under a tree.
It worked. I returned to work with more energy and had fewer urges to argue with coworkers. However, it did not improve my scrabble game.

I forgot to set my alarm last night. Rooted in my schedule, my body naturally woke a mere 15 minutes late. I think many found it difficult to return to work after the 3 day weekend. There were many water cooler stories told, some taking three coffee breaks to conclude. It was a Tuesday shrouded in Monday activities.

whirly we

2005-09-05T21:45:00.000-05:00

This weekend I reacquainted myself with a three year old and met two infants. It was monumental when my good friends began marrying but this offspring thing blows my mind.

Next month I will travel to Wisconsin and once more the dynamics of the group will have changed. Introduction to the group: another married couple and yet another infant.

This marks the beginning of hush...we are civilized adults who don't knock at pinatas, drink beer and fight over Evel Knievel DVD's.

This is Amy's garden. She sent me back to Illinois with tomatoes and candy.

Some points:

I've never driven that far while hung over.

I broke my phone while talking vigorously with my hands. I didn't save a single number to my SIM card. Oops.

I bought a certain book that was suggested to me, but I'm lacking the courage to start it.

The internet makes a small world even smaller. After getting slapped by the fact on Saturday night I really should read that book. Right?

I needed an oil change so I patronized the local garage. They no longer call me "mama," but I no longer pay for the full service at $80. Instead I received the regular, non-nickname service at $20.

empathy

2005-09-04T22:10:00.000-05:00

My Grandma would cook for me during certain visits to her house. It was usually a salad, rabbit food as she called it, and a potato omelet sandwich. She would take my hand in hers and pray before we ate. Grandma always thanked God for me while she squeezed my hand with as strong of an intensity as was her love. Sometimes, I felt embarrassed that someone could love me so much. As a teenager I found her ability to love others to be overwhelming and confusing...almost mystical.

While watching the news tonight I wept for victims down south. I cried while hearing how Chicago is responding. Churches and homes are opening their doors. I just cried.

The embarrassment I felt as a teenager as my Grandmother squeezed my hand, or as she shed a tear while hugging me goodbye, has dissipated.

Love is a risk but a necessity. It is life. Love is not less than or more than. Love is community, friendship and partnership. Embarrassment to feel empathy and love for others is futile.

a bartender, a therapist and a waxer

2005-09-01T20:39:00.000-05:00

What do they have in common? They listen to belly aching from their patrons. The bartender gets to look at attractive people all night. The therapist gets $50+/hour. The waxer, oh the waxer gets to cause me pain while she gives advice. I'll tell you this...my eyebrows have never looked this good and I never got a hug from any of my bartenders or therapists.

Last night I went to the library and checked Casanov in Blzano by Sandor Marai (Author of Embers). Cassette tape read by...who cares. The point is that I have 9 hours of "an erotically charged novel written within the framework of historical reality" waiting for me. This will be the best 4 hour drive to Stevens Point, WI EVER!

Love to Gert

2005-08-31T21:20:00.000-05:00

Some days sound like nothing. Today sounded like my Great Aunt Gert's funeral. I share the following words of wisdom from my elders:

quotes of the day!

5. "What lie was I about to tell?" asked my grandfather after he lost his train of thought.

4. "You go in healthy then, boom, boom, boom..." my grandfather explained the demise of the human once entered into an assisted living facility.

3. When asked what he'd like to drink my great uncle Andy replied, "something with pills in it."

2. When asked what my grandfather would like to drink my grandfather suggested, "another Vodka and get me that blonde from the bar."

1. "When I die people are going to leave my funeral smelling like Polish sausage and whiskey...mumble...I'm not supposed to Drink." In my great uncle's defense, he is 88! There is no excuse for my grandfather, however.

the usual

2005-08-30T22:58:00.000-05:00

I feel dry, safe and surrounded by comfort...the guilt might end up giving me a belly ache. That might balance it all. Yep, it did.

Coverage

2005-08-29T23:59:00.000-05:00

I flew to Nashville to help my brother move to the other end of town. What you see here is the dirtiest scrabble board kept indoors.
Later, I lined up similarly with college students. I forgot how much fun campus life could be. I swore I'd never wish I was back in college...

My drink.

It took us 10 hours to drive home. This cloud kept us hostage in Kentucky for 4 hours and then chased us home. I've never seen rain like that before. That night I woke up numerous times thinking I was about to crash the U-haul into a pond.

Overtime

2005-08-25T21:50:00.000-05:00

I squeezed 45.5 hours of work within 4 days. My most creative project this week was decorating a coworker's cubicle to welcome them back from a 12 week sabbatical. We automatically hummed carols while we wrapped their keyboard, chair, phone, phone cord and reference books. It took them all morning to set the seasons right. Sadly enough, that was the only pat on the back I received from my boss all week long.

Dancing with eyes shut, elbows out and feet kicking if need be

2005-08-24T23:22:00.000-05:00

Dancing in Grant Park...whew we! I caught the last day of it for the summer and I feel lucky, tired and worked!
Thumbs up to my friend who at 6'-4+" was easily spotted at all times.
Thumbs down to the man who beat on my back side for half a song until I drew up the courage to give him a slap.
I don't know these people. I was attempting a shot of the skyline. This is where you nudge your mouse and leave a comment:

Q: which funny face/look is your favorite?

a. the man who is licking his hand.

b. the man who is disgusted by his potential hook up who is licking his hand.

c. the woman who is too chill to care

d. the woman who just turned around and saw the man licking his hand and is now about to imitate the action.

I haven't seen this many people on a stage since a 446 show. On that note, I saw a few things tonight that Tha 446 might benefit from if incorporated correctly:
-police stage presence
-3 fights in the audience
-1 attempted fight between an MC and the audience
-children dancing, on stage, in the middle of it all

Predicting Autumn

2005-08-22T21:15:00.000-05:00

I didn't sleep well. My online telepathy woke me up at 1 and I couldn't shake the dream that accompanied it until 2. But when I stepped out the front door and breathed in the crisp air I thought...this is good. So much has been changing, why not the season along with it?

Yesterday, while at the Wolf Road Prairie, I listened to an old woman tell me that frogs were stupid. She said that her boys used to raise frogs and they were so stupid because they are finicky and uncompromising. Supposedly, they'd rather starve to death than eat a dead cricket. I decided to take her comment as a wise joke.

Sometimes, the need to react to your surroundings is so strong that you have to sprout another leg, a third eye, another hobby...you'd be silly not to.

Outing alone + In a group = Community

2005-08-21T18:25:00.000-05:00

I lined up with the best of 'em today at the Wolf Road prairie, Westchester IL. Dr. Gerould Wiheim, Botanist and Conservationist, gave a two hour lecture on the preciousness of our prairies.
*kick*
That's me kicking myself for not bringing a pen and paper.
My hope is that my pictures will be inspiring enough to encourage my return for other lectures and real studies.
Between me and all of you...I stood next to a man (not pictured) who looked like Paul Newman. Old men should not look that good... I feel dirty now.

Made it

2005-08-19T23:52:00.000-05:00

I woke up late today. I knew I could since there wouldn't be anyone at the office to hound me. Turns out...I was right.

My horoscope has been prompting me to change my style. I immediately began thinking about my wardrobe, hair, and all other things superficial.

I should have thought about altering my thought patterns, communication style and attitude. Firstly.

The compromise was that I bought a new tube of Mascara and I'm contemplating the accuracy of my fortune cookie.

Unoccupied

2005-08-18T21:20:00.000-05:00

It is nice working with practical jokesters. I think everyone should approach their desk with as hearty of a laugh as I did this morning.

Holding that moment

2005-08-17T21:16:00.000-05:00

Sooooooooooooooooo, tonight I found myself so introverted that it is a wonder I was able to carry on certain conversations. Ever have those moments? They aren't all together bad unless you emerge with no new findings. Luckily for me, I surfaced with a new personal to do list, a date in Paris in 2010 and my dignity.

I can't beat that right now, and I don't think I'll try.

The best $16.50 I ever spent on a free movie

2005-08-16T23:51:00.000-05:00

Minnesota Fat vs. Fast Eddie vs. his own vices vs. ? I left the movie early to catch my train back to the burbs...Chicago is beautiful, especially with the addition of a larger than life tweety bird.

Boolu Master Saves The Day

2005-08-15T22:55:00.000-05:00

1- Temporary promotion (not mine)
1- Temporary demotion (not mine)
1- permanent dining room set (not mine)
1- permanent dining room set in expected transit (mine!)

...Who saved the day??? BOOLU MASTER.

He brought the beat back ya'll. Weeeeeeeee!

Harder

2005-08-14T21:30:00.000-05:00

I saw a toddler get smacked in the head with a tennis racket today. Even as I approached the scene from a half a block away things didn't seem right. It was a couple in their early 30's playing tennis with one another while their two young children huddled close to their legs. They were serving balls as if trying to hammer out last night's remaining resentment. The little girl caught her father's racket hard on his follow through.

The parents laughed as they consoled their child. I'm pretty sure they saw the look of horror on my face.

I've heard stories of my dad accidentally putting my young life in danger (the water bed incident and the family Grand Canyon vacation). At least my parents waited a couple days before laughing...I think.

In the wild suburbia

2005-08-12T20:50:00.000-05:00

I had the afternoon off and after waking up from a much needed nap I scooped my camera up and departed into the wild preserves of Hinsdale, IL. This is Graue Mill. An elementary school field trip destination that like dozen of others, I took for granted.

There was a sign posted on either side of the wheel that read Stay off Wheel. I wonder how many attempts to ride the wheel were made before signs were posted.
The tree jumped in front of the line.

Happy strangers. I hope that picture sits on their mantle for years to come. Her work.
His work.

Smell me...that's right...closer...closer...

lean back

2005-08-11T23:51:00.000-05:00

There are legitimate reasons to having a mirror free yoga class.
If there had been a mirror in front of me I wonder would I have:

a) adjusted my posture?

b) compared my abilities to those of my comrades ?

c) cropped my body down until I saw only what I wanted to see?

Even the cat took notice

2005-08-10T23:34:00.000-05:00

I've been struggling with the cat for 7 months. The issue has been her behavior. She can't seem to separate her attitude from her cat box functions. By default I introduced a new litter and to my amazement she did something I've never seen her do before...She used the box correctly.

Home Remodeling...I'm taking notes

2005-08-09T13:50:00.000-05:00

I've been observing my good friends purchase and revamp homes. They offer love to their projects and interject individuality into every nuance with the hope that one day it will be just the way they want it.

This week I realized I am the greatest home I will ever own and it is time to revamp.