ultimate showdown

Dressing in the morning can be a battle. I'm sure my high school education was compromised because of these fights. Not sure what to wear but unwilling to just wear anything.

To approach my closet without inclination means a set back of 15-30 minutes. Usually, I start thinking about it as soon as I hit my first snooze. By the time I've toweled off I have a color scheme and when I'm done applying make up I can walk up to the closet grab it and go.

Oh, but not today. Today I was lacking inspiration. The result is brown pants, blue top, no belt and gold shoes.
I could blame a few things but I'm going to scapegoat feng shui. I moved my closet over the weekend and the energy isn't flowing right.

Last time I was "lacking inspiration" the Duchess of York showed up at the office. Nice...

additional fine print

Found: frustrating fine print in italics. More time needed before signing...still hopeful.

Back in college I went on a couple dates with a man who indirectly referred to me as his second job. He was speaking to his friend on the phone in code. At 21 I thought he meant he had two girls, I being the second. Now I wonder…he was older and had a 9 to 5 job. Was I his second job to be dealt with seriously? The relationship didn’t last past that date, thankfully.

However, now I wonder about the analogy. In regards to my day job, I love what I do. I didn’t always feel that way but I made a commitment to the job because I saw the benefits of a paycheck, experience and I was hopeful. Now, nearly a year and a half later I’ve realized that I depend on my job and they need me. It’s a complicated relationship with sometimes illusive expectations but I’m happy with what I’ve established.

In the meantime, maintain happy images...like flying squirrels, etc. Image by E, thanks.

cool cashew

I had nearly two cups of coffee this morning which is nearly two too many. I couldn't pass up the idea of cinnamon floating on hyper goodness. Cinnaminomin-n-n-n.

Buckwheat pancakes with real maple syrup. We played Atari too. A perfect Sunday morning in my book. Compliments to the cook.

I met with the youth group leader and some of the Senior High kids for lunch. I'm wondering if a good mentor would laugh at their farting jokes the way that I did. Did you know their was such a thing as Christian mints and hot sauce? Testi-mints and Hell's fire. I'm thinking about how crazy that is and wondering if I'm in the wrong business. I could market me some Christian bottled water and make it big. Forget you heard that idea, it's mine.

All-in-all, this is some good stuff going down. Honestly, I feel like I've won the feel good lottery and I'm happy to share my winnings.

Turkey again tonight. For no reason at all. Pinch me...

the thing about yelling

This week, although short and relatively good...I 've yelled at two people. It's strange to me; I consider myself to be laid back. Some may argue that but I know I've come a long way from the red headed freakouts of my youth.

It takes an awful lot to fire me up now a days. Like, 9 months of badgering from a co-worker. Or, three weeks of dealing with new neighbors that pound on their walls until midnight.

What's odder still is how empty and unhappy I feel after yelling. When I was younger I could feel the energy expell from my body. I remember feeling impressed at my ability to act strong. Now, I'm ashamed that my words sometimes fail me at a respectful volume.

Respect, expectations...now I'm up at midnight pondering expectations. How to make mine and others clearer and more obtainable all because of my need to yell at the neighbor guy.

Mind you, my intentions in both cases were not to yell. Constructive comments were made at a slightly elevated volume. In my defense I refrained from drop kicking my co-worker's computer and I haven't slashed my neighbor's tires. The sad thing is that I thought about it, if not for a split second and then I felt sorry enough to confess online.

I am happy. Thank you.

send me away so I can realize...I missed you

On my way to Iowa City I pretended to listen to the book on tape that I checked out. Secretly, I glanced at my phone every 5 minutes and wondered what the people in my life were up to. Good things are happening and the buzz is making my heart sing.
Brad is home.
HOME
I don't remember having such an intense attachment to this word except during college years.
Leo. Part cat, part raccoon...he ate the entire cheese wheel too.
I saw a rooster in my coffee and it made me laugh. Laughing by yourself in a public place just makes me laugh more. It took me 3 hours and 2 glasses of water to drink this mocha mint drink. I read a book, The Four Agreements. I thought it would change my life and I'd like to think it possibly can.

On another note. I wonder, when things are going so well is it possible they are real? I don't think it's worth looking for any fine print but playing the silly girl really isn't my style. I wonder if many have the internal voice that reminds them not to be foolish. When things even remotely sway towards the uncontrolled my inner voice hums...I told you so. I'm going to start owning my word, both the internal voice and spoken. It's about time I become my greatest ally.

the holidays are a comin'

Today I sat at my desk and dipped Oreos into coffee while dreaming about turkey. Since I didn't put cream or sugar into my coffee it's seems acceptable. My obsession with turkey is incurable.

Last year my mother asked me to stop moaning at the table..."we all know you love turkey..." The previous Thanks Giving was held at my Grandmother's. She over cooked the bird and then let it sit out 3 hours until the rest of the food was ready. I was third in line when my aunt pointed out that I had taken a plate from the grown-ups' table and alas, I'm still classified as a child. I dropped out of line to return the plate to the adult table. I took my place at the back of the line with the plate from the child's table. There was no turkey left by the time I reached it. My young cousin, who refused to eat, threw out 4 slices of turkey. I wanted to cry but I was afraid it would prove that I deserved to be at the children's table. This year will be different. Different side of the family, other side of the state and I'll be dammed if I get bullied to or at the children’s' table.

The family is trying something different this holiday season. Thanks Giving in Galena, Christmas without my brother and New Years/Birthday extravaganza...to be decided.

round 2

Surgery again today. B recovered so well from the first operation that if it wasn't for the incompetence of the pathologist, he'd probably be home right now.

I've been staying with G the entire week. When we were kids we had planned to live in an apartment together and then find two boys and be married by 21. The past week is the closest we came to either of those adolescent goals. I think we would have made great roommates (and terrible brides at 21!).


H-dog is confused by the absence of his male owner. As G left the house H-dog began to hyperventilate. The only thing that would calm him down was to go under the blankets and lay in the dark. I think we are all feeling that way...close to hyperventilating and wishing we could hide under the covers.

However, as G and I learned yesterday we all must be cheerleaders. Clocking in at 3:45 am, G wins the award for dedication.

I feel that dedication and love is the most honest offering.

meeting

When I was in college I wanted nothing more than to be surrounded by beauty. Pure beauty that can only be presented by nature. Now, nestled into the suburbs of Chicago I want it even more.

My top 5 in college:

1. Love
2. Family
3. Education
4. Nature
5. Future

Current top 5:

1. Family and Friends
2. Love
3. Nature
4. Career
5. Future

I suppose not much has changed. Friend's have rotated and bonds have grown stronger. Loves have dissipated but hope has developed. Nature moved up while career replaced education. This is who I am.

Tapas vs dimsum. Coffee bar or bar. I'll take either as long as my top five can come along.

hands

Brad was in surgery from 2:55 to approximately 7pm. He did well and we'll know more when the biopsy report comes back.

We were able to visit him in the intensive care unit. He squeezed hands, wiggled toes, opened his eyes and shook his head.

He's one strong guy...

better yet, love is too precious

My cat is nuzzling me while I write this, confirming that indeed this is what I'm supposed to be writing about.

I spent some time over at G&B's place yesterday. Armed with food I entered their home afraid that I could offer nothing more.

I'm scared, yet optimistic....Seemed to be everyone's tone.

G cleaned, smiled, rattled off medical terms and kept schedules. I believe that when anyone needed a break they looked at her...calm, caring and aware.

I've noticed that when life becomes traumatic my senses perk up and take notice. Noises seem deafening. Winds seem brutal. Kindnesses seem heaven sent. Love becomes enough.

Life is too dang precious

Living a year of seeing life without coincidences seemed like a fun challenge to me. I can easily draw conclusions about life...pulling connections from across the universe until a neat glistening web appears. However, that doesn't happen, now does it? If it is a web and it glistens than it will attract many and will have an owner. A dark, multi legged owner bent on it's own survival. Without it, there would be no balance and with it...well, you can still appreciate the workmanship along with the bird that eats the owner or my cat who bats it around. This doesn't make any sense.